How to Speak Hard Truths with Grace — and Actually Change Minds: Knowing how to speak up persuasively may be the most important skill we need right now.
I’m so grateful for your readership, Becky! Your support means more than you know. This was a challenging piece to write — as you can probably imagine! ❤️
Thanks, Phelim — it is quite a story, and sadly, not a work of fiction. Since publishing it, I’ve heard from many in the theater world who feel the same way but are too afraid to speak out. What a sad commentary — and one that’s crying out for a sequel. Trans on Stage, perhaps? 😉
Grateful for the truth-telling you’ve already brought to life in Trans on Trial — for anyone who hasn’t watched it yet, it’s riveting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHbL7NI12ZQ
Those debating gender need to talk to women of your mom’s era. Almost all of us wanted to be boys. As girls there were so many limits we saw as unfair. Elementary school playground equipment, boys only. Girls in dresses might show their panties hanging from monkey bars.
High school mechanical shop classes, mechanical drawing and graphic arts, boys only. The Universities limited women to: liberal arts, fine arts, education, nursing, library science, and dental hygiene. Medicine, law, dentistry, finance, and engineering, for men only. There were a few exceptions. Having a father in higher education administration could remove barriers. We’ve seen so many barriers removed without destroying children.
By the 1960’s women’s brains and abilities were finally being recognized and women like yourself are now recognized and respected for all that they can contribute.
Thank you so much — I love this perspective, and you’re absolutely right. So many girls identified with boys not because they wanted to be boys, but because they wanted access to the things boys got to do. You remind us that gender nonconformity isn’t a pathology — it’s often just a healthy reaction to societal constraints.
What’s tragic is that instead of removing constraints — or helping kids embrace their full potential — we’re steering them toward irreversible medical paths. As you said so beautifully: we’ve broken so many barriers without destroying children. That’s exactly what we should keep doing. Thank you for this powerful reminder.
I first "met" Melanie by attending her Be Persuasive zoom class while a BOE Director (during COVID). She helped me and many others determine that being persuasive (and how to be persuasive) won over more people than being angry or blaming. It was a game changer.
Now, this article is also a game changer. When so many out there want someone else to speak up, but are too afraid to take a stance, this article becomes a road map. Not just for the gender issues. Too often, people abuse others for expressing their views that go against the group think of "progressive" ideology. Too often, those on one side (or the other) use anger and false equivalencies to attack those that do not agree with them.
Truth wins in the end. Speak truth (not your truth, but THE Truth), speak kindly, speak persuasively!
Thank you! I appreciate the kind feedback. It’s a really tough issue to discuss because of the sensitivities and reflex tribalism.
Thankfully, Substack makes it so much more satisfying to write because of all the cool graphics and links you can use to get your point across thoughtfully.…and there are no editors!
As the managing director named in this piece, I feel compelled to respond, not out of animosity, but in the spirit of honesty and transparency. I value passionate opinions and courageous dialogue on challenging subjects, as Melanie herself encourages. Yet I was saddened to see my contributions to this discussion so inaccurately characterized within this article.
I participated in this conversation not to attack, as implied, but to ensure that a wide range of educational, medical, and parental perspectives were considered, just as Melanie passionately shared hers. Engaging in difficult conversations on behalf of children and families is a responsibility I take to heart. I brought scientific research, professional best practices, as well as empathy and lived experience to the table. I did so respectfully, and with care for the well-being of young people and their families.
Melanie suggests I was hostile and unwilling to listen to differing views. In truth, healthy disagreement is vital for any organization, especially one committed to inclusivity and growth. I raised questions and concerns that reflected not only my own convictions but also those of parents and educators within our community. At no point did I attempt to silence Melanie or anyone else. All board members, including Melanie. were afforded the space to articulate their perspectives, and our ensuing policy decisions reflected collective input, not unilateral action. Every member of our board, whatever their views or backgrounds, was given the dignity of being heard. I would ask in return for the same good faith.
It is disheartening to see such a crucial conversation recast through a narrative of antagonism, rather than honest discourse. Unfortunately, there are details within this article that are simply not true.
Let us model for our youth not only how to speak up for what we believe, but also how to participate in challenging conversations with accuracy, empathy, and openness to complexity, even when we disagree.
Hi Michael, I’m pleasantly surprised that you’ve commented on my post. I have two points in reply.
First, it wasn’t a public board meeting where you defended the pronoun policy for the children’s program and gender-affirming medical care for children – it was an executive committee meeting. In fact, many board members were unaware at the time – and subsequently never knew – that the staff had implemented the pronoun policy the previous year, without the board’s approval.
Second, my son’s first-grade teacher once had a sign on the wall with a three-step guide for making amends, which has always stayed with me. I try my best to follow this principle:
• “I’m sorry.”
• “It’s my fault.”
• “What can I do to make things right?”
It’s truly unfortunate that this approach was never considered by staff regarding me, especially given that the theater lost one of its most devoted and longest-serving supporters – me. Big sigh...
Here’s hoping that you and the theater learn from this hard lesson and benefit from it in the future.
Thanks Neil! I actually decided to do it after feedback from the Kansas School Board workshop I did…and of course the craziness happening now in Colorado. People are very motivated to engage in this issue, thankfully!
Wonderfully written – thought provoking and truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing!
Outstanding article. Thought provoking. Always learning from you, Melanie
I’m so grateful for your readership, Becky! Your support means more than you know. This was a challenging piece to write — as you can probably imagine! ❤️
Fantastic article Melanie! Thank you.
Fabulous! Thanks for this essay Melanie! Well said.
Amazing story about the Theatre company
Thanks, Phelim — it is quite a story, and sadly, not a work of fiction. Since publishing it, I’ve heard from many in the theater world who feel the same way but are too afraid to speak out. What a sad commentary — and one that’s crying out for a sequel. Trans on Stage, perhaps? 😉
Grateful for the truth-telling you’ve already brought to life in Trans on Trial — for anyone who hasn’t watched it yet, it’s riveting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHbL7NI12ZQ
Melanie:
Those debating gender need to talk to women of your mom’s era. Almost all of us wanted to be boys. As girls there were so many limits we saw as unfair. Elementary school playground equipment, boys only. Girls in dresses might show their panties hanging from monkey bars.
High school mechanical shop classes, mechanical drawing and graphic arts, boys only. The Universities limited women to: liberal arts, fine arts, education, nursing, library science, and dental hygiene. Medicine, law, dentistry, finance, and engineering, for men only. There were a few exceptions. Having a father in higher education administration could remove barriers. We’ve seen so many barriers removed without destroying children.
By the 1960’s women’s brains and abilities were finally being recognized and women like yourself are now recognized and respected for all that they can contribute.
Thank you so much — I love this perspective, and you’re absolutely right. So many girls identified with boys not because they wanted to be boys, but because they wanted access to the things boys got to do. You remind us that gender nonconformity isn’t a pathology — it’s often just a healthy reaction to societal constraints.
What’s tragic is that instead of removing constraints — or helping kids embrace their full potential — we’re steering them toward irreversible medical paths. As you said so beautifully: we’ve broken so many barriers without destroying children. That’s exactly what we should keep doing. Thank you for this powerful reminder.
Spot on. So well said. Great read. Keep up the great work Melanie.
I first "met" Melanie by attending her Be Persuasive zoom class while a BOE Director (during COVID). She helped me and many others determine that being persuasive (and how to be persuasive) won over more people than being angry or blaming. It was a game changer.
Now, this article is also a game changer. When so many out there want someone else to speak up, but are too afraid to take a stance, this article becomes a road map. Not just for the gender issues. Too often, people abuse others for expressing their views that go against the group think of "progressive" ideology. Too often, those on one side (or the other) use anger and false equivalencies to attack those that do not agree with them.
Truth wins in the end. Speak truth (not your truth, but THE Truth), speak kindly, speak persuasively!
Always thoughtful and persuasive, Melanie
Thank you! I appreciate the kind feedback. It’s a really tough issue to discuss because of the sensitivities and reflex tribalism.
Thankfully, Substack makes it so much more satisfying to write because of all the cool graphics and links you can use to get your point across thoughtfully.…and there are no editors!
Great read thanks
Thanks for being such a longtime reader John!!! Hope you’re well!
As the managing director named in this piece, I feel compelled to respond, not out of animosity, but in the spirit of honesty and transparency. I value passionate opinions and courageous dialogue on challenging subjects, as Melanie herself encourages. Yet I was saddened to see my contributions to this discussion so inaccurately characterized within this article.
I participated in this conversation not to attack, as implied, but to ensure that a wide range of educational, medical, and parental perspectives were considered, just as Melanie passionately shared hers. Engaging in difficult conversations on behalf of children and families is a responsibility I take to heart. I brought scientific research, professional best practices, as well as empathy and lived experience to the table. I did so respectfully, and with care for the well-being of young people and their families.
Melanie suggests I was hostile and unwilling to listen to differing views. In truth, healthy disagreement is vital for any organization, especially one committed to inclusivity and growth. I raised questions and concerns that reflected not only my own convictions but also those of parents and educators within our community. At no point did I attempt to silence Melanie or anyone else. All board members, including Melanie. were afforded the space to articulate their perspectives, and our ensuing policy decisions reflected collective input, not unilateral action. Every member of our board, whatever their views or backgrounds, was given the dignity of being heard. I would ask in return for the same good faith.
It is disheartening to see such a crucial conversation recast through a narrative of antagonism, rather than honest discourse. Unfortunately, there are details within this article that are simply not true.
Let us model for our youth not only how to speak up for what we believe, but also how to participate in challenging conversations with accuracy, empathy, and openness to complexity, even when we disagree.
Hi Michael, I’m pleasantly surprised that you’ve commented on my post. I have two points in reply.
First, it wasn’t a public board meeting where you defended the pronoun policy for the children’s program and gender-affirming medical care for children – it was an executive committee meeting. In fact, many board members were unaware at the time – and subsequently never knew – that the staff had implemented the pronoun policy the previous year, without the board’s approval.
Second, my son’s first-grade teacher once had a sign on the wall with a three-step guide for making amends, which has always stayed with me. I try my best to follow this principle:
• “I’m sorry.”
• “It’s my fault.”
• “What can I do to make things right?”
It’s truly unfortunate that this approach was never considered by staff regarding me, especially given that the theater lost one of its most devoted and longest-serving supporters – me. Big sigh...
Here’s hoping that you and the theater learn from this hard lesson and benefit from it in the future.
Best,
Melanie
Well done, Melanie! Thanks for writing this. I’ve forwarded it to many friends and relatives.
Thanks Neil! I actually decided to do it after feedback from the Kansas School Board workshop I did…and of course the craziness happening now in Colorado. People are very motivated to engage in this issue, thankfully!